I began writing this at the airport as I wait to be boarded back to reality. The core of Dr. Jesus P. Estanislao’s closing remarks for us reminded me of a certain message delivered to me by my Christian leader. Dr. JPE, as he is fondly called by his staff, mentioned that having to try to do thing on our own will get us somewhere but not very far. But with God, we can surmount anything. He told of a saint who said that two plus two plus two is just six and two plus two plus God is infinity.
That reminded me of two things: 1) is the title verse of this blog and 2) is a word given through a former leader years ago, which I still could not quite get. And it goes this way…
You have unlimited resources now because you and I are one. Lean on me, though you do not understand. For someday my child, you will. Happiness is meant for you.
A few times last week, I encountered this verse about strength in weakness. First was on the Feast of the Conversion of St. Paul–morning prayer psalmody antiphon. And then, last Friday vespers reading.
Maybe it goes with the gospel for today too, to help me understand: Blessed are the poor in spirit, the reign of God is theirs.
Willfulness against powerlessnes… Self-reliance and self-protection against self-surrender… I think I am beginning to get it…I hope.
Postscript:
Today 31 January–a week already since I first reflected on this verse at it pops out again in the readings for the mass. From the letter to the Hebrews:
I went to our prayer meeting last Friday, with a string of coincidences and detours I was contemplating on. Besides that, I was happy with the way things turned out regarding a paper I churned out to my bosses this week. It was a miracle that I finished it on time and an equal miracle that my bosses approved of it. I actually chided to my colleagues that I am a miracle worker for I do work that requires miracles. But ain’t that so?
What struck me during our prayer meeting was the sharing of a sister who met a fateful incident last September, on the exact day of my birthday. She was stabbed 14 times by a street smart kid who tried to extort money from her. She did not dwell on the ordeal but on how she found God in all that she went through because of that.
“God indeed is my savior.” She just said the very lines that has been a mantra to me these days. ” I am confident and unafraid…” I added the lines from Isaiah as I readily agreed to her. I may not have experienced her miraculous bout with near death but having something to worry about is like contemplating the worst or death at one’s door anyway.
One of the things that I can attest to His saving love this week is when He gave me the extra energy, extra dose of “luck”, of time, of wisdom and good sense to do another daunting task from work. More than that, He gave me joy and peace in my heart–no complaints, no negative perspectives entertained–just sheer enjoyment in the midst of challenges, difficulties and potential disasters! If that is not grace I do not know how to call it.
“With joy you will draw water from the fountain of salvation” This is the reason why God saves. So that we will know where to draw love, peace and joy from–the very waters we so desire and long for to fill our being and not just merely exist but LIVE. I realized that this world will always throw us our share of storms and sufferings. In many forms, they come to us — through an accident, a breakup, a betrayal, a rejection, an abuse, and death even. I see that all these storms we call, are merely losses in this world. A loss of wealth, recognition, friendship, job, reputation, and ultimately, of life. But I also see that they are all temporal. They are part of this world.
The most important things in my life can always be taken away from me in the blink of an eye, in many ways. My family. My friends. My relationships. My job. My ministry. My community. My mind. My limbs. Everything that I have. If I draw my being and meaning through them, I will be lost. I will not be at peace. I will always try to control things whenever I sense that I might lose any of them.
The truth is they are not really mine in the first place. With that, I should know that they are not what is truly constant, unchanging, ABSOLUTE, which is God’s love. Or simply, God Himself. The things here merely represent Him or His attributes and gifts at best. But they are still not Him. Him is one I cannot possibly lose in this world nor in the next.
What does it mean to be saved anyway? The first thing that came to my mind was to be saved from worry. “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.” That is what we pray in each mass celebrated everyday. It is the knowledge that God is God and He is our father unlike any other. That He provides. He is merciful. He is rich. He is almighty. He is everything I need and He gives me all I need. And that cannot be experienced any more truer than when we are most in need of His saving help.
Yes, when we pray for miracles, miracles happen. It may not always be the miracle that we expected or wanted (Like, Lord, I hope that my boss’ mind doesn’t change like she changes her outfits everyday) but the miracle that happens when we are attuned to what He wanted and expected. Now that defines a real miracle.
God really has a way of pointing things out in a way that is truly unmistakable.
Last night, our out-of-office event ended earlier than I expected. I was about to meet some brothers from the community to accompany me to our weekly prayer meeting at 7 PM at a train station (MRT Taft Avenue) to get to Pedro Gil. Yet, it was only minutes after 5PM and I was so near the station before that. With lots of time to waste, and knowing the venue enough and the way to get there, I opted to take the service bus going the other way and planned to get off at another train station instead (LRT 2 Katipunan Station) to get me to Manila. A longer route, more tiring perhaps, but I simply followed my “instincts”.
At first I thought I was not going to make it on time. The bus got caught in a traffic and forgot to stop at the corner I was supposed to get off. It had to make U-turns to bring me back to that exact same spot and of course, that took some precious minutes already.
Well, as night fell already and I was not that familiar with the surroundings, I did not realize the station I was looking for was underground… and I was looking for something like the skyway for that is what is familiar with me. I only realized my predicament after about half a kilometer perhaps, when I asked around for the station. Yeah, only to find out it was just a few meters from where the bus left me. Lesson 1: ASK when you know you do not know.
So I boarded the train, went off at the last station, walked the labyrinthine walkways to the other railway transit (LRT1), took some cash from the ATM to pay a friend, went to buy my ticket and went to the platform area. A train passed at the other direction-northbound… Then, another… after some more minutes, another. But not southbound. I was beginning to get impatient. I was early but I thought I was not going to make it on time and only because the trains were late?
I asked myself at first whether God wanted me to come here in the first place. For your see, I was waiting for a text message from my mom whether we would go to an important meeting tomorrow or not but she has not answered at all. I was having thoughts of going home instead to ask her rather than go to the PM. God must have something up his sleeve, I mused. God has a purpose, I rationalized. Okay, in truth I silently told Him, You must have some explanation on this?
Finally, our train arrived. When I got off at Pedro Gil, a sister saw me and told me that a brother was with her too. When finally we met together, they confessed that they did not know how to get to the place we were suppose to hold our meeting and was only too glad to have me with them to guide them. And as we went our way and turned to the corner of a street, I found another sister asking her way from strangers. I immediately asked if she is part of our community and was going to the prayer meeting as well. Her answer was affirmative.
Later during the prayer meeting, our national director gave a short presentation and quoted Pope John Paul II, ““In the designs of Providence there are no mere coincidences.”
This simple and unplanned coincidences made me smile. God gave me the answer I was looking for.
Last Sunday, I was about to go to mass in my usual 6:00 PM schedule at the usual church I am attending. It so happened that when I get near the church door, it was only then that I realized there will be no mass to be said in that church for that time! I only have a few minutes left to catch the last mass at the town proper and I did not have any change to hire a tricycle to get me there on time. So I immediately trudged by way back home and hurriedly got a fare enough to get me to the town and hear mass. I have to mention though that I was tempted to no longer hear mass since I tried to hear mass anyway and I did not know there wouldn’t be any. It was good that my resolve got the better of me.
The proclamation of the gospel is about to end when I got there. However, I did not expect the church to be so full I needed to go in through the side chapel. As soon as I stepped into its doors, I was readily transported back in time and remembered that this was the place where the Curia is usually held. This is also the church where our Acies are celebrated. The experience painted a smile on my face since these are all good memories. These memories that to come back since a friend discussed at a forum her experience of re-entry to the Legion of Mary and the Legion Promise she said during her induction.
The homily was a long one. But I figured that it was what I needed to hear. The priest told of a story of a painter who attempted to paint a masterpiece everyday—and from each day of painting, he learned his lesson until he was able to perfect his craft without much effort. This is the same discipline, the priest said, that is needed in the spiritual life. If we could, in each New Year, resolve at least one imperfection or replace a bad habit, it is for sure that along the way we would become saints.
Communion was given in both species—the Body and Blood—something that I have not received for a while. Also, a bonus during the recession was the sprinkling of holy water. Remembering Legion, the message of the homily, communion of both species, holy water—blessings unexpected received!
The essence of this homily was repeated on Monday’s homily by another priest at a university parish. That is, the need for discipline in the spiritual life. This Monday, however, was a particularly low moment for me. I felt that it was one of those days when I was not proud to be myself. One, because I already almost missed mass on a Sunday—the first Sunday of the year. Two, because I overheard my dad resenting my mom’s agreeing to some of my decisions. Three, because I do not like my reaction over that matter. Four, that reaction spilled over almost until the afternoon of that day. I said to myself, what a work week to start the year! So five, because of all that I missed working on a Monday and went to the doctor instead to have myself checked up, which was already long overdue.
“Beloved: we receive from Him whatever we ask..” – 1 John 3:22
“Ask of me and I will give you…” –Psalm 2:9
Those were lines from the first reading and from the psalmody on Monday. And I doubted it to be true for me. I just had a major blooper. I felt like that was a major detour from my resolutions. I did not think I would be able to redeem myself. That’s why I did not think God will favor me that way. Or so I thought.
When I went to work on Tuesday, I asked God to grant me the grace to simply remember to ask Him for what I need because it felt like that was His message—ASK! An officemate gave me a gift. When I opened it, I was quite taken aback by the inscription on the pad she gave me. It says: “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” –Matthew 21:22. Then I realized, the reason why I lose my strength easily is because indeed I always forget to ASK what I need for the moment.
I read once that if we want to give God our all like a thousand dollars, He would want us to exchange that in coins and let us give those coins little by little to those in need—a quarter there or a penny here. A little talk with a friend, a little patience to those who irritate us and the like. I guess that is what He wants as well. In order to have frequent converse with Him—to enjoy and maintain and savor His company—He wants to give out His grace not in a thousand dollars in the morning for the whole day but moment by moment. So that we can invite Him to be there with us and participate. Not that He does not do so. Only that we be more conscious of His grace when we ASK in each moment.That alone made my day. This was somehow affirmed as well while I was on my way home reading “The Necessity and Power of Prayer” on my phone.
When I got home, I felt like I am just okay. I got things in better perspective. I realize that whatever is my dad’s reaction to my mom’s agreement is coming from his own issues. It has NOTHING to do with me. I felt I was given the grace to see myself apart from and actually separate myself from him. Thus, I am able to deal with him and treat him better. See him not only as my dad but as a human being with his own struggles and frailties.
I reflected on all that has happened recently and what God is actually telling me. One thing that struck me is that yes, I was about to miss mass on a Sunday but didn’t and went on a detour to go to mass and got bonus blessings to top all that instead! I felt like Monday was a big blunder yet I felt favored still… Keeping these things in mind, I could only say that indeed, sometimes in life, things happen unexpectedly like mistakes—small and big ones we do or others do unto us… But still those things can be a source of blessings when we try to do the right thing and not give in to what we feel we like to do and ask for the grace inside those painful, embarrassing, untimely experiences—then they themselves turn to be blessings in disguise!
The following is a post I made last year on a different blog.
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If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe
On the Feast of the Guardian Angels, I sent the above quote to my friends through my chikka messenger, as I usually do each weekday morning. I never thought it would define the WHOLE of my day—or I guess—or should know that it was all orchestrated by the Grand Maestro after all.
Later, I spent the afternoon listening to Dr. Leticia Cecilia Peñano-Ho discussing the distress differently-abled children go through if they are not diagnosed, misdiagnosed or mismanaged. She confessed that she herself have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and was branded as naughty, punished for her behavior by being in detention many times.
I believe that because of what she went through, this motivated her to take up the cause for children with disabilities, more particularly, learning disabilities. Not only that, because she herself is gifted. This also led her to take up the cause of gifted children and eventually is now president and chairperson of the Philippine Association for the Gifted.
The forum ended early so I had enough time to go to confession and attend mass at a nearby shrine. As I participated, I knew that God was waiting for my response as He has already initiated his pursuit (again!) of me. Hesitantly, I told Him that at this very moment, I surrender everything to You. My eyes welled-up with tears and a feeling of unspeakable warmth flooded my soul. I knew in my heart God honored my word and that He was pleased. I was simply hoping I will do what I expressed. Knowing fully the frailty of my heart, it will not take much before I break that promise.
I went to our regional prayer meeting shortly thereafter. Since I have experienced God before going there, I was unusually fired-up during worship. The topic for the meeting, which I did not at all expect, again talked about “being different” and showed that video of a deaf girl enthralling an audience through her skillful and soulful rendition of Pachelbel’s Canon in D despite all the odds including being despised and rejected by her contemporaries. It went to a point where her mentor, another deaf musician who sells his skills on the streets, pointed out bluntly, “Why do you want to be like others?” in the reply to the girls question, “Why am I different?” The whole video is actually an advertisement of a branded shampoo that dares one to shine.
Our national director then went on to expound on being different taking the example of the Good Samaritan. Unless, one is different, one cannot shine. What made the Samaritan shine? He did things differently. Three things were suggested: 1) loving beyond what is expected of us 2) giving what is rightfully ours and 3) inviting people to do the same. I, who already see the hand of God in all this, was astonished—and gratefully so.
During most of my childhood, I felt the pangs of being left out or not being paid attention to, rejected and despised that I almost always see myself as different. And now with a certain struggle, I know I am having a difficulty different from anybody else—a different handicap of sorts. A void that is not that perceptible to others—but a void nonetheless that makes me think, act, behave and react differently. It made me different.
It is a void that is actually a cross for me—a cross that I was hoping to avoid or run away from. But in the same way that the such cross—though different in form—enabled a doctor to attend to and understand her clients with ADD and ADHD and show them a way for them to live better lives… God also has a purpose in making me carry this cross. He shows me that quite glaringly. He has a purpose for my being different. He has a purpose for me.
I simply had to accept being different—and not to resist but to yield and surrender to be different.
In the morning of first day of the year 2011, I asked God what specifically He wants me to do for the day. The answer I got was the title above. At first I was in doubt because I know that I could not simply bring myself to contemplation at will. But then, I told myself that if that was God’s will for me then He will grant me the grace to do exactly that.
Well, I am glad I did. The fruit of such prayer is the confidence He restored me with as being His own, the longing to be totally His especially to AT LEAST have the desire to dedicate everything for His glory, and the sensitivity to align my will to His.
It felt good just being with Him. That alone is rest for my otherwise restless soul.
Towards twilight, as expected, I totally forgot Him. Only to be troubled by my health condition, this totally obsessed me with no other than of course, myself. It was late in the evening already when I remembered, yeah, I am supposed to be obsessed with His presence in everything even in what I do instead of just whiling my time away.
It was fitting that He instructed me to live in His presence as such for He knows my weakness. My mind easily slips into contemplating what others say, think or do—past, present or future—and other useless imaginings. Once my mind is obsessed by these, the peace in my heart is readily stolen. That is where the enemy usually strikes and amplifies.
“Contemplate Me.”
The first time that I met God personally in a private conversion some 15 years ago, the first Truth that I learned was that it is simply impossible to love without Him. True love can only be done through Him, with Him and in Him. I then made it a point to sign my name before a heart and a cross—symbolizing the love of Christ, my love in Christ and being in love with Christ. It has become my personal symbol.
“Contemplate Me.”
When I was a novice in Carmel, I made a journal with the same design. It was then that I realized the heart as a calligraphy of a person before the Cross in prayer and worship. It was also during one of our spiritual readings, that I came across one of Edith Stein’s lines: To stand before the face of the living God that is our vocation. The Practice of the Presence of God by another Carmelite Brother Lawrence, is a good guard to persons struggling against temptations and to those ordinary Christians who consider their work table as their altar and their output as offerings to God. Thus, I believe that does not apply to Carmelites alone but to Christians everywhere.
“Contemplate Me.”
Last year, while undergoing help in regard to my struggles, my counselor asked us to draw our own blueprint—an image representing us. There was no other image in my mind other than the image I sign my name with—the symbol above. As I explained what it meant for me, the more it holds true for me…
I am nothing without Him. My essence is entirely with Him. I am His creature, He is Creator. I am servant and He is Lord. My heart bows down before Him—He alone can fill it completely and make it whole—nothing and no one else can. This heart is His. He protects it, shepherds it, soothes, guides, binds, teaches, corrects, nurtures it, nourishes it… He is all m heart needs and there is nothing else that I want.
As long as my heart is fixed before Him, like a compass pointing to its true north, I shall find my way home in this otherwise perilous yet worthwhile journey.
This time of the year usually finds me and my family having a general cleaning of the house while on vacation. But I guess, this is also a good time to clean up the things that simply clutter my life and needs to be taken to the trash bin.
God knows that the past two years were a time of learning from major falls–getting bruised yet getting up again and again and again. Recovery takes a lifetime. So does renewal unless you no longer sin or never make mistakes again. But when there is a pattern of those mistakes that is simply is part of one’s behavior, the unlearning and the relearning need to go hand in hand.
For the spiritual life, that means the sorting out and cleaning up must have a purpose or other clutters will simply take up the empty space left. The heart in this instance has this very unique feature of needing something or Someone in its throne. Dethroning another only asks for a replacement–a better replacement or it will find another–any other if I will not be on guard.
The past year was a struggle between having a clean break and maintaining a pretense.
This year is a year that I will celebrate because Truth has saved me… and I am very grateful that Truth reminds me when I forget who I am in Him or begin to believe in the lies this world can hurl at me pointedly. Sometimes it takes only a little insecurity to give in to falsehoods than have faith in the inheritance God gives to me–His love and protection, His secure hope and grace–what else do I need?
Simplify.
Really, if I would be honest, a lot of the clutter is due to the fact that I accumulate things, events, schedules, workloads, praises…because I thought I was not good enough. But that is not the truth.
God loves me and is pleased with me. I am good enough because He made me so. Paul told the Ephesians what is truly necessary in this life
A Prayer for the Ephesians
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
This is what I am making space for–that I may know more of God’s Love and then there is really nothing I would want more.
